16 year old Edwina Holiday has started her own punk band, Anal Stomp Anal Flower, which is totally hardcore. Here is her second diary entry:
Maria’s dad’s uncle or whatever got us our first gig in this St. Albans pub called Fighting Cocks, which I thought was a total badass place to play our first gig but when we got there it was full of old dudes drinking ale. I was all like “What the shit Maria? Fuck your uncle, why we playing this old folks’ home?” But Maria was like “Shut up Edwina, it’s a great opportunity to get our music heard”, then she started banging on about how I owed her family money for when I booted their flat screen because Coldplay were on MTV.
I hung our ‘Anal Flower’ banner behind the stage but Sasha was like “My mum said Anal Flower is worse than Anal Stomp and I can’t be in a band with anal in the title”. So I flipped my shit and was like “We changed the fucking name to Anal Flower because your mum was bitching!” And Sasha was like “Yeah, but my mum says that Anal Flower sounds like we want to lose our bum virginity”. So I climbed up on the table and crossed out 'Flower' and wrote 'Stomp' in marker, which looked hardcore so I wasn’t even mad.
The owner came in so I was like “Hey, gramps where’s the beer and vodka at!” but he was a whiny bitch and was like “You girls are only 16, you can’t drink”. I was gonna slap that wrinkled fuck and was screaming “But we only get paid in booze!” So he said we can have soft drinks so I was like “Hook me up with four cans of Red Bull and some roasted nuts”. But he said bar snacks weren’t part of the deal so he just gave me the Red Bull.
I downed those four cans of robot piss like a motherfucker and was pumped so stole some pork scratchings but they tasted like hobo dick so I lobbed them at a squirrel.
It was show time and I was tripping balls from the Red Bull and we opened with our latest track ‘The Pope Wants to Fuck Your Bastard Fetus’ but we didn’t get past the first verse before getting kicked off, which was hardcore.
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