Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 4

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

16 year old Edwina Holiday has been in a spot of trouble at school for showing the establishment how hardcore she is, again.

Mr. Thornton was teaching us about Nike in Business class so I was like “Whatever, corporate dog, you’re not brain washing me.” But he was all like “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Edwina” then started jabbering on about Cola, so I flipped him off under my desk and Sasha saw it but looked away cos’ she couldn’t handle how hardcore I was.

Then Mr. Thornton told us to do some formulas on Excel, but I ain’t every going to be no sheep working in an office so I loaded up MS Paint and draw a giant erect dick with Anal Stomp tattooed on the shaft, but before I could show Sasha Mr. Thornton came over and yelled at me. He was all like “Edwina! What are you doing? Go to the headmasters office at once!” and I was all like “Whatever crack head” cos’ he’s always got these bloodshot eyes that make him look like a crack head, then he totally lost his shit and his face went bright red so I told him he looked like an angry penis and he threw me out, which was hardcore.

So I had to go see Fat Turd The Third and I knew he was going to suspend me again but I didn’t care cos’ he was just another corporate dog, so I went to the bathroom and tried to copy the drawing of the Anal Stomp dick on my forehead but I forgot mirrors went backwards so I fucked it up a little, but that’s more hardcore as it’s like indirect advertising or whatever Mr. Thornton calls it.

I got to The Turd’s office and that receptionist that looks like she only listens to Magic FM couldn’t handle my head-dick and told me to wipe it off before I saw the headmaster, but I told her to blow me and walked right in, like I was in a movie or something, which was hardcore.

But when I walked in The Turd’s office he took one look at me then just shook his head and called my mum. Then we sat in silence waiting for her to arrive, but she was taking ages and Mr. Hudsmith wouldn’t even look at me when I asked him for a tissue to wipe the dick off. But it wouldn’t come off, so I just brushed my hair over it and waited until my mum finished her shift at Carpet Right, which was hardcore.

Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 3

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

16 year old Edwina Holiday decides her punk band Anal Stomp needs some promotional tees to spread the word about how hardcore they are.

The guy at Snappy Snaps had a total hard on for me but I was all like “I’m half your age pedo-Pete and just print the mother fucking t-shirt before I leave a one star Google review for having pervy employees!” But he wasn’t called Pete, he had a dumb name like John or something and he was like “Snappy Snaps is a family establishment, we can’t print offensive t-shirts”.

I lost my shit at this point and was yelling “What’s offensive about printing ‘Anal Stomp’ on a fucking t-shirt?” and then he asked me to leave so I pushed over a display cabinet of key rings and  everyone was like “that girl is crazy” which was hardcore, then I added to my hardcoreness by flipping him off as I left.

I told Sasha about how hardcore I was in Snappy Snaps then she said “My brother works there on Saturdays” and I was like “Bitch, get your bro to print off four Anal Stomp t-shirts for a discount” and she was then like “No, I told you we need to get away from having ‘Anal’ in the band name”, so I took her favorite hoody and threatened to pour bleach over it, so she changed her mind cos’ she’s a little bitch.

The next day Sasha told me her bro quoted her fifty quid for four t-shirts and I was like “Fuck that, just get Maria to toss him off” but Maria didn’t want to toss Sasha’s bro for free t-shirts because she’s not hardcore like me so we all had to chip in to get four Anal Stomp tees printed instead.

The three little bitches sold me out the next day at school and I was the only one wearing my Anal Stomp tee. Hannah was all “OMG, why are you wearing that to class?” but that tramp needs to take a chill-pill coz I looked hardcore.

In class Mr. Dickson lost his shit and told me to take it off and I was like “You just want to see my bra so you can have something to think about while ramming your wife” then he went ape and told me to go to the headmaster, which was hardcore.

When I got down there Fat Turd the Third was all like “This is very serious” blah blah blah, so I asked if Maria stroked him off would that chill him the fuck out, but he just got madder and suspended me on the spot, which was totally hardcore. 

Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 2

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

16 year old Edwina Holiday has started her own punk band, Anal Stomp Anal Flower, which is totally hardcore. Here is her second diary entry:

Maria’s dad’s uncle or whatever got us our first gig in this St. Albans pub called Fighting Cocks, which I thought was a total badass place to play our first gig but when we got there it was full of old dudes drinking ale. I was all like “What the shit Maria? Fuck your uncle, why we playing this old folks’ home?” But Maria was like “Shut up Edwina, it’s a great opportunity to get our music heard”, then she started banging on about how I owed her family money for when I booted their flat screen because Coldplay were on MTV.

I hung our ‘Anal Flower’ banner behind the stage but Sasha was like “My mum said Anal Flower is worse than Anal Stomp and I can’t be in a band with anal in the title”. So I flipped my shit and was like “We changed the fucking name to Anal Flower because your mum was bitching!” And Sasha was like “Yeah, but my mum says that Anal Flower sounds like we want to lose our bum virginity”. So I climbed up on the table and crossed out 'Flower' and wrote 'Stomp' in marker, which looked hardcore so I wasn’t even mad.

The owner came in so I was like “Hey, gramps where’s the beer and vodka at!” but he was a whiny bitch and was like “You girls are only 16, you can’t drink”. I was gonna slap that wrinkled fuck and was screaming “But we only get paid in booze!” So he said we can have soft drinks so I was like “Hook me up with four cans of Red Bull and some roasted nuts”. But he said bar snacks weren’t part of the deal so he just gave me the Red Bull.

I downed those four cans of robot piss like a motherfucker and was pumped so stole some pork scratchings but they tasted like hobo dick so I lobbed them at a squirrel.

It was show time and I was tripping balls from the Red Bull and we opened with our latest track ‘The Pope Wants to Fuck Your Bastard Fetus’ but we didn’t get past the first verse before getting kicked off, which was hardcore.  

Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 1

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

Edwina Holiday is 16 years old and has recently started her own punk band, Anal Stomp. She's been keeping a diary for when she has to write her autobiography which she plans to call ‘Being Edwina is No Holiday’ once Anal Stomp hit it big. Here is her first entry:

Sasha was all like “My mum won’t let me be in a band called Anal Stomp” and I was like “Fuck your mum!” but then she was like “I can be in the band if we change the name to something less anal stompy” and I was like “What?” then that crazy bitch said “My mum suggested Flower Power, I like it too”. Then I lost my shit and bitch slapped her cherry tango out of her hand and was all in her face yelling “Bitch! Fucking Flower Power? What's punk about a powered flower?”

Then that bitch had got all in my face and was like “If we don’t change the band name to Flower Power than I’m out!” so I laughed and spat on the carpet all hardcore like and said “Fine, you drum like a dickhead anyway” then she stormed off. Then I remembered that we use her dads van to transport our shit around so for a second I thought about asking her back but that wouldn't have been hardcore so I didn’t.

Then my mum walked in and asked why there was gob and tango on her carpet and I was like “That Sasha bitch went all crazy with the tango and spat on the floor” then she told me not to swear in the house so I stormed up stairs and turned my music up.

We were auditioning a new drummer who had a stupid name like Angie or something rubbish and Maria asked if I thought this chick was too pretty to be in a punk band but I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Shit. Get back to playing bass Maria and keep your twat in your tights”.

Angie or whatever her name was couldn’t play The Government are Spazes or Fuck Your Dad Rawdog for shit so I was like “Yo hot stuff! You ain’t hardcore enough for Anal Stomp!” Then she said I was rude which made me look hardcore in front of Maria and Hannah.

No one else showed up for the audition so I phoned Sasha and was all like “No one’s hardcore enough to nail our hits and we need your dads van. Wanna come back and smash the shit out of some drums for Anal Stomp?” but she was all like “Only if we change the name to Flower Power” but then I threatened to blow her dad so we compromised on Anal Flower, which is hardcore.