Literary Agent Hunt

Point blank rejection

I have again started to look for a literary agent after failing to find one before I self-published Skive in April 2014. It was a campaign of rejection and derision.

Here are a few things that I discovered on my first failed three month hunt, with actual quotes from actual literary agents. I hope you and I learn from these experiences.

‘This doesn’t resonate with our core tween audience’

Tweens apparently don’t care for curmudgeonry men who struggle with their own sanity and reality. I know this now. I have plenty of rejection letters typed with a condescending tone suggesting I was an ignorant moron to write a book not directly aimed at tweens.

I even suggested that I could tweak the current book to be more marketable. I had the working title of 'Skive: The Moon Tree of Fate' where my protagonist with firm but comforting abs fell in love with an owl-lady. They had to stop the school bullies who simultaneously didn't accept their relationship and wanted to destroy the plant of Xentor with a tree that was made out of a moon from a plant that was mysteriously destroyed thousands of years ago. I also thought this was good trilogy material.

Sadly no agent was up for that either.

Lesson Learned: If you're going to write an off-genre novel then expect to be mocked and rejected.

‘This sounds depressing. People don’t like being depressed.’

In my letters, I pitched the book wrong. As soon as I mentioned 'insanity and depression' then that took over the main focus of the rejection replies. I struggled to bring the conversation back round to the 'black comedy' part. I suggested that maybe if they read the first three chapters then they would see.

I brought up that Bukowski is horrid, vile, yet beautiful. That Palahniuk focuses on the strange, the freaks, the damned, but brings a humorous relatability. I pleaded that it's not about the subject matter, but what that matter is actually saying.

But no. The damage was done and many agents didn't even give my attached three chapter preview a read.

Lesson Learned: Be careful what you mention in your covering letter and pitch.

Focus on the unique selling point and fine tune that covering letter so you don't focus on the wrong element.

I thought an agent would pinpoint the marketability for you, but they're too busy. You have to sell it to them. And if you can't, well, then you're with me up shit creek.

‘Are there any magic people in it?’

There are not any magic people in Skive. I didn't think there needed to be. But I was wrong. It was those damn tweens again and I needed to double down on that commodity by adding magic.

I offered to give my protagonist a hat and staff, but that wasn't enough. I offered to adapt the entire story so it took place in medieval England and our hero runs away from a magic tournament where he had to battle a dragon with the skills he learnt from a elderly wizard with a cleft palate. But that wouldn't do either. I even added a volcano that spoke a dead language that only our lead would understand.

It was no good. I was stumped.

Lesson Learned: Genre. It's worth repeating - agents want something that they can sell. You need to assess the market and give the people what they buy.

But  what they want is sometimes dumb and it's okay to think so. Other times you don't have the skill set to give them what they want, and that's okay too.

Just don't expect to get an agent any time soon.

Other Notable Quotes

1. "If you haven't written an erotic thriller or something with wizards or werewolfs in it, you've wasted your time and mine."
2. "Can the protagonist start a steamy sexual relationship with this Christine character? Whips and butt plugs, that sort of thing."
3. "Can it be set in a school? Maybe a school for vampires?"
4. "Nobody would want to have sex with any character in this book."
5. "Contact me when you have something with relatable teenagers in it."