Dan Kay, member of London’s only non-league football firm - Wingate Wide Boys, has been feeling a little low lately. Here's his third diary entry:
It was 2:30 and I was late meeting the boys at the Tavern. I was waiting for the kid from next door to stop circling the front of my house on his bike. He’d been out there all day just riding around and around and around. I was waiting for him to get bored or needed a loo break so I could nip down to the shops for some bread and milk, but he just pissed in my bush about midday then went back to circling the pavement.
2:45 and I had to leave so I didn’t miss kick off. “Oi Dan! Give us a fiver for waterin’ your garden.”
“I watched you piss in my bush. Get lost.” I told him.
“You got a look at my willy? You a willy watcher or somthin’?”
He followed me to the bus stop shouting “Willy watcher! Willy watcher! Willy watcher!”
At the bus stop he pointed to an old woman with groceries, “Careful of this guy ma'am. He watches innocent young boys’ willies from his window”. Then he cycled off.
I’d seen the woman at the bus stop a few times. I was going to explain to her that I didn’t like watching willies from my window, but thought it wouldn’t help much. The bus finally came and I probably could never use that stop again.
We were playing Wealdstone and I missed the first ten minutes, it was still 0-0 though.
“You had better things to do then?” Dave said without taking his eyes off the game.
“Where’s Big T?” I asked.
“Taken his Godson to Legoland” Wazza replied.
I thought that I’d quite like to go to Legoland and wondered if I left now, what time I would be in Windsor. But I might get all the way there and never find Big T. I’d just be a fully grown man walking around Legoland on his own and all the kids might start shouting “willy watcher” at me. I decided it was best not to go to Legoland and got back to watching the game. We lost 2-0.
When I got back home ‘Willy Watcher’ had been spray painted onto my front door.
“Oi Dan!” The kid next door skidded to a stop at the front of my house, “Give us a fiver for fertilizing your lawn”.
There was a big turd in the middle of the grass.
“Piss off kid. I’m with the Wingate Wide Boys. We’ll do you!” I told him.
“Gays!” He yelled back then lobbed a can of Tizer at my head.
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