Dan Kay The Depressed Hooligan - 3rd Diary Entry

Diary Entry: One | Two | Three | Four | Five

Dan Kay, member of London’s only non-league football firm - Wingate Wide Boys, has been feeling a little low lately. Here's his third diary entry:

It was 2:30 and I was late meeting the boys at the Tavern. I was waiting for the kid from next door to stop circling the front of my house on his bike. He’d been out there all day just riding around and around and around. I was waiting for him to get bored or needed a loo break so I could nip down to the shops for some bread and milk, but he just pissed in my bush about midday then went back to circling the pavement.

2:45 and I had to leave so I didn’t miss kick off. “Oi Dan! Give us a fiver for waterin’ your garden.”

“I watched you piss in my bush. Get lost.” I told him.

“You got a look at my willy? You a willy watcher or somthin’?”

He followed me to the bus stop shouting “Willy watcher! Willy watcher! Willy watcher!”

At the bus stop he pointed to an old woman with groceries, “Careful of this guy ma'am. He watches innocent young boys’ willies from his window”. Then he cycled off.

I’d seen the woman at the bus stop a few times. I was going to explain to her that I didn’t like watching willies from my window, but thought it wouldn’t help much. The bus finally came and I probably could never use that stop again.

We were playing Wealdstone and I missed the first ten minutes, it was still 0-0 though.

“You had better things to do then?” Dave said without taking his eyes off the game.

“Where’s Big T?” I asked.

“Taken his Godson to Legoland” Wazza replied.

I thought that I’d quite like to go to Legoland and wondered if I left now, what time I would be in Windsor. But I might get all the way there and never find Big T. I’d just be a fully grown man walking around Legoland on his own and all the kids might start shouting “willy watcher” at me. I decided it was best not to go to Legoland and got back to watching the game. We lost 2-0.

When I got back home ‘Willy Watcher’ had been spray painted onto my front door.

“Oi Dan!” The kid next door skidded to a stop at the front of my house, “Give us a fiver for fertilizing your lawn”.

There was a big turd in the middle of the grass.

“Piss off kid. I’m with the Wingate Wide Boys. We’ll do you!” I told him.

“Gays!” He yelled back then lobbed a can of Tizer at my head.

Eric McKing's Diet Blog - Week 12

Week 8 | Week 10 | Week 12 | Week 14

Eric McKing has been on the Simple Slim Shake liquid diet for 12 weeks. Here's his latest blog entry:

I wanted a KFC, but it was my liquid fast day and KFC is a solid so I couldn’t. But then I saw an advert for their Big Daddy box meal on the side of a bus, so I took it as a sign to treat myself.

When I was waiting to order I thought of all the faces at the Simple Slim Shake meeting and how disappointed they would be when I told them I got a Big Daddy meal from KFC. So when the man asked me what I wanted I just asked if he could put a handful of the secret 11 herbs and spices mix into my milkshake flask. But the man laughed and then the other customers started to point and whisper things to each other, so I left.

I felt bad about going into KFC on my fast day so I told the wife when I got back. But she just carried on eating a Pot Noodle while watching Hollyoaks. In the ad break she asked for twenty pounds for a cab so she could take some stuff to her mothers. I gave her the money even though her mother only lives down the road.

I was still feeling guilty about going into KFC so I decided to go for a jog. But after I put on my jogging clothes it was raining and I didn’t like the idea of going for a jog in the rain, so I didn’t.

The wife asked why I was in my jogging gear, so I told her I was going to go for a jog but it was raining and I could slip over a break my ankle so I didn’t want to go. She laughed and said she’ll be so lucky, then left with a suitcase. I watched her from the bedroom window as she walked down to her mothers.

I ate her half finished pot noodle while watching a re-run of Top Gear on Dave. It was an old one and Jeremy Clarkson had a bit too much hair. I started to feel bad about eating the rest of the Pot Noodle and thought about the Simple Slim Shake members and my councilor I let down. Then I thought about the KFC Daddy Meal I could have had instead, so I decided to go out in the rain and get one anyway.

I gained two pounds.