Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 2

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

16 year old Edwina Holiday has started her own punk band, Anal Stomp Anal Flower, which is totally hardcore. Here is her second diary entry:

Maria’s dad’s uncle or whatever got us our first gig in this St. Albans pub called Fighting Cocks, which I thought was a total badass place to play our first gig but when we got there it was full of old dudes drinking ale. I was all like “What the shit Maria? Fuck your uncle, why we playing this old folks’ home?” But Maria was like “Shut up Edwina, it’s a great opportunity to get our music heard”, then she started banging on about how I owed her family money for when I booted their flat screen because Coldplay were on MTV.

I hung our ‘Anal Flower’ banner behind the stage but Sasha was like “My mum said Anal Flower is worse than Anal Stomp and I can’t be in a band with anal in the title”. So I flipped my shit and was like “We changed the fucking name to Anal Flower because your mum was bitching!” And Sasha was like “Yeah, but my mum says that Anal Flower sounds like we want to lose our bum virginity”. So I climbed up on the table and crossed out 'Flower' and wrote 'Stomp' in marker, which looked hardcore so I wasn’t even mad.

The owner came in so I was like “Hey, gramps where’s the beer and vodka at!” but he was a whiny bitch and was like “You girls are only 16, you can’t drink”. I was gonna slap that wrinkled fuck and was screaming “But we only get paid in booze!” So he said we can have soft drinks so I was like “Hook me up with four cans of Red Bull and some roasted nuts”. But he said bar snacks weren’t part of the deal so he just gave me the Red Bull.

I downed those four cans of robot piss like a motherfucker and was pumped so stole some pork scratchings but they tasted like hobo dick so I lobbed them at a squirrel.

It was show time and I was tripping balls from the Red Bull and we opened with our latest track ‘The Pope Wants to Fuck Your Bastard Fetus’ but we didn’t get past the first verse before getting kicked off, which was hardcore.  

Dan Kay The Depressed Hooligan - 2nd Diary Entry

Diary Entry: One | Two | Three | Four | Five

Dan Kay is a member of London’s only non-league football firm, Wingate Wide Boys, and has been a little depressed recently. So on the advice of firm leader, Big T, he has been keeping a diary to help organise his thoughts. Here is his second entry:

We were having a few pre-game drinks at the Tavern and I was getting the usual round of five pints of Carling. But the barmen brought me over four pints of Carling and a Stella in one of those fancy glasses.

“That’s £18.52, Dan”.

I thought about saying something but he looked busy so I gave him the money anyway.

“What’s going on with that glass, Dan? Don’t you normally drink Carling?” Dave said when I got back to the table.

“I just fancied a change”, I replied.

Then they all watched me as I took a swig, but I don’t really like Stella so I think I made a face but they didn’t say anything.

“Is Big T coming today?” I asked.

“No,” Wazza said, “He’s visiting his brother in law in the Belmarsh with the wife”.

I thought about meeting Big T and his misses at Belmarsh but then you probably needed to be registered as a visitor and I didn’t know the procedure so I didn’t go.

It was 2:30 and we got up to leave for the game. "You not finishing your pint, Dan?"

"No, no", I said, then hurried out saying that I needed a fag.

We were at home to Harrow Borough and the African lad put us 1-0 up but then the ref gave them a penalty 15 minutes later.

“Ref! You wanker!” Dave shouted.

Then the other lads started chanting “Who’s the wanker in the black!?” but he wasn’t wearing black, he was wearing some kind of neon yellow, but I didn’t want to mention it so I joined in, “Who’s the wanker in the black?! Who’s the wanker in the black!?”

But as we chanted and their number 10 stepped up to take the penalty I realised that it didn’t matter how much we shouted, the ref wasn’t going to change his mind. That the decision had been made and there was no going back. That no matter how much you want something the universe is indifferent and doesn’t care about your desires and it was selfish to think otherwise. And I realised that time will always continue and just leave us all behind like a unwanted pint on a pub table. 

Then their number 10 put it in the bottom corner, wrong footing Smithy.

“Who’s the wanker in the black!? Who’s the wanker in the black!?”

“I’m just going for a slash,” I said and I went to the toilet and locked myself in the cubical. There was some graffiti scribbled on the wall which just read “Why?” with lots of doodles of dicks around it. I thought about adding to it but didn't know what to write. I could have drawn another dick maybe, but I didn't have a pen.

When I headed back up to the stand we were 3-1 up and I stopped thinking about the universe until I got home and noticed that battery in the clock needed changing.

Gabby Logan Fun Fact

Bio: Gabby Logan is a British television presenter and former gymnast who is best known for her football punditry roles on ITV and BBC. 

Between 2011 and 2012 Mrs Logan worked on Channel 5's The Wright Stuff before being dismissed due to a confrontation with the show's host Matthew Wright, where, it is reported, Mr Wright lost two teeth after a brief on-set altercation. An unverified witness claimed Mrs Logan punched Mr Wright in the jaw after he made an 'inappropriate comment' about her feet.     

Mrs Logan continues to make regular appearances at her local Leeds Homebase, where she judges the bi-monthly pot plant competition.

The boss asked me to send round a company wide email about the importance of keeping the kitchen tidy so that he didn't have to look like a dick. But I didn't want to look like a dick either so I sent round a fun fact about Gabby Logan instead:

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From: Paul Levy
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:08
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

TV sports journalist Gabby Logan has a severe allergy to Twiglets.

Mrs Logan first became aware of her potentially fatal allergy to the snack while filming a promotional advert for the product. Snack manufacturer Jacob’s had thought she’d be the perfect face of Twiglets due to the success of Walker’s hiring fellow journalist Gary Lineker. During the course of the one day shoot Mrs Logan consumed nearly 500g of Twiglets and became severely unwell and was rushed to hospital where she was ministered with 3.5g of adrenaline.

Mrs Logan’s threatened to go public with her ‘grave concerns about Twiglets and their effect on public health’. However, her allergy is so rare that UK law could allow Jacob’s to sue her for slander.

As a result, all Twiglets packages manufactured between April and June 2004 had warning label on them reading ‘WARNING: Do Not Consume If You're Gabby Logan’ before having to withdraw the labeling due to Mrs Logan filing a counter lawsuit for harassment.

Mrs Logan now runs a Twiglet allergy awareness group in the UK which has 9 members, one of whom is Sue Barker.

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From: Sally Harper
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:19
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

I hate Twiglets. They smell like dog piss.

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From: Philip Lemon
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:24
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

Sally, I think you need to get your dog checked out. I read somewhere if your dog's urine smells funny it might have kidney disease and/or dog cancer.

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From: Sally Harper
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:29
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

I don't have a dog.

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From: Philip Lemon
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:35
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

Who's dog's urine did you smell? They should take their dog to a vet immediately. It might have kidney disease and/or dog cancer. I'll come over to your desk and give you my uncles number. He is a vet and has his own van.

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From: George Antonopoulos
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:41
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

My sister's neighbor looks after Gabby Logan's kids on the weekends.

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From: April Boateng
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:45
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

Make sure she doesn't give them any Twiglets, it might be a hereditary condition!

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From: Robert Carr
Sent: 4 July 2013 15:45
To: All
Subject: Gabby Logan's Twiglet Allergy

Please! Stop including me on these email chains! I will have to contact HR if this continues.

Also, the kitchen is in a total state! There are croutons all over the place, teaspoons everywhere and someone left a fish skin in the sink. It's unacceptable!

Eric McKing's Diet Blog - Week 10

Week 8 | Week 10 | Week 12 | Week 14

Eric McKing has been on the Simple Slim Shake liquid diet for 10 weeks. Here is how he’s been getting on:

I was about to leave work to catch Eastenders but I was peckish so I went into the kitchen to make some toast for a bus time snack. Then I remembered it was a my liquid fast day and toast is a solid so I couldn’t make any toast. But I went into the kitchen anyway in case someone else made toast and I could smell the toaster while I drank my Simple Slim Shake.

When I was in the kitchen some employees walked in talking about going for a curry for Sally’s birthday, then they noticed me smelling the toaster and went quiet. I sniffed the toaster some more trying to remember what toast tasted like but no one had recently made any toast so it didn't smell of anything. Then Vicky from HR asked if I wanted to join them for a curry. I thought about saying no because I wanted to watch Eastenders and as it was my fast day but then I realised Eastenders wasn't on tonight so I went with them.

At the restaurant I just asked the waiter to bring me a pint glass and a straw for my shake and stuck to drinking tap water because alcohol and fruit juices have calories in them. “Are you sure you don’t want to order anything, Eric?” Vicky asked, “No, no, it’s my liquid fast day and curry is a solid so I can’t”.    

It was a nice evening and I got to speak to Vicky about the lack of paper clips in the cupboard and she said she’ll look into it but then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening. I don’t think she will be able to get any more paperclips for the cupboard though.

When the bill came they decided to split it and it was quiet reasonable at £35.63 each. I also paid the tip as they rotate who leaves the tip whenever they go out for meals and they said it was my turn today.

I look forward to the next meal and hopefully it won’t be on a day Eastenders is on.

I lost 1lsb.

Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 1

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

Edwina Holiday is 16 years old and has recently started her own punk band, Anal Stomp. She's been keeping a diary for when she has to write her autobiography which she plans to call ‘Being Edwina is No Holiday’ once Anal Stomp hit it big. Here is her first entry:

Sasha was all like “My mum won’t let me be in a band called Anal Stomp” and I was like “Fuck your mum!” but then she was like “I can be in the band if we change the name to something less anal stompy” and I was like “What?” then that crazy bitch said “My mum suggested Flower Power, I like it too”. Then I lost my shit and bitch slapped her cherry tango out of her hand and was all in her face yelling “Bitch! Fucking Flower Power? What's punk about a powered flower?”

Then that bitch had got all in my face and was like “If we don’t change the band name to Flower Power than I’m out!” so I laughed and spat on the carpet all hardcore like and said “Fine, you drum like a dickhead anyway” then she stormed off. Then I remembered that we use her dads van to transport our shit around so for a second I thought about asking her back but that wouldn't have been hardcore so I didn’t.

Then my mum walked in and asked why there was gob and tango on her carpet and I was like “That Sasha bitch went all crazy with the tango and spat on the floor” then she told me not to swear in the house so I stormed up stairs and turned my music up.

We were auditioning a new drummer who had a stupid name like Angie or something rubbish and Maria asked if I thought this chick was too pretty to be in a punk band but I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Shit. Get back to playing bass Maria and keep your twat in your tights”.

Angie or whatever her name was couldn’t play The Government are Spazes or Fuck Your Dad Rawdog for shit so I was like “Yo hot stuff! You ain’t hardcore enough for Anal Stomp!” Then she said I was rude which made me look hardcore in front of Maria and Hannah.

No one else showed up for the audition so I phoned Sasha and was all like “No one’s hardcore enough to nail our hits and we need your dads van. Wanna come back and smash the shit out of some drums for Anal Stomp?” but she was all like “Only if we change the name to Flower Power” but then I threatened to blow her dad so we compromised on Anal Flower, which is hardcore.

Quentin Willson Fun Fact

Bio: Quentin Willson is a motoring expert who appeared in Top Gear, Fifth Gear and Britain's Worst Driver. It was while working on Britain's Worst Driver in 2002 that he met Maureen Rees, popularly known as 'Maureen from Driving School' in the UK . Mrs Rees and Mr Willson became friendly and decided to calibrate on a new TV program, Urban Rally Star. The concept was to have members of the public race against the clock to locations around UK cities.

Channel 5 commissioned a pilot of Urban Rally Star and several hours of footage were filmed before the project was abandoned due to 'budget and safety issues', which reportedly came after a pedestrian filed a law suit after a Rally Star contestant collided with their shopping cart.

The photocopier was broken so I decided to email everyone at my work a fun fact about Quentin Wilson instead of emailing the IT guy about the broken photocopier:

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From: Paul Levy
Sent: 28 June 2013 14:40
To: All
Subject: Quentin Wilson The Militant Vegan

Former Top Gear presenter Quentin Willson is a self-confessed ‘Militant Vegan’.

His strong views on veganism became known to authorities after he left Top Gear in 2001 where Jeremy Clarkson roasted Quentin at his leaving dinner, referring to him as a ‘cabbage botherer’.

A drunken Quentin then broke into Clarkson’s home later that night and tried to force feed the family’s diabetic dog a cabbage before putting thirty pounds worth of cabbage into the washing machine, flooding the kitchen and causing over a thousand pounds worth of damage. Clarkson didn’t pursue criminal charges, settling for damages out of court.

Quentin is the only known ‘active’ member of the militant vegan movement.

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From: Sally Harper
Sent: 28 June 2013 14:51
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

My cousin is vegan. Going round for dinner is rubbish. She yelled at me for giving her daughter a jelly tot once. Apparently they have whale in them or something.

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From: David Owen
Sent: 28 June 2013 14:56
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

My brother once had Ted Needell in his cab.

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From: April Boateng
Sent: 28 June 2013 14:59
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

Is that the same brother that turned up to the Christmas party two years ago, tried it on with Sally, drank all the rum then stole the toner out of the printer?

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From: David Owen
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:01
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

No.

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From: Sally Harper
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:05
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

Who the hell is Ted Needell?

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From: David Owen
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:09
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

He presents 5th Gear which Quentin Wilson was on. I would have preferred a fact about Ted Needell. His motoring knowledge greatly surpasses Willson's. Willson is a hack!

Paul, do you have any facts about Ted Needell?

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From: Paul Levy
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:16
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

No.

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From: Philip Lemon
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:22
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

Sally have I left my USB stick in your HUB?

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From: Sally Harper
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:29
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

Is it the one that's shaped like a dick? For some reason I have one that's shaped like a dick plugged into my HUB.

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From: Philip Lemon
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:32
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

No. It says 'Dixsons' on it. They are no longer in business since they got bought out by Currys, so if I lost it I wouldn't be able to replace it. It is probably quite rare and maybe worth some money.

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From: Sally Harper
Sent: 28 June 2013 15:44
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

I guessed it was valuable and sold it on eBay then bought an island with the profits. I will start my own nation on this island. It will be called Sally Land. I will put my face on all the money.

Philip, I will put your face on the penny. They will be small and annoying and no shops will take them. They will be completely pointless on Sally Land. The noble people of Sally Land will say, "What is the point of this penny? It serves no purpose. It is completely useless in this great nation. God praise our ruler Sally." Then they will throw the penny into the sea.

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From: Robert Carr
Sent: 21 June 2013 15:50
To: All
Subject: RE: Quentin Willson The Militant Vegan

Can you please stop copying me into these emails.

Also, does anyone know what's up with the photocopier?