Conversations With The Owner of Beer, Booze and Food - Part 2

The man from my local store, Beer, Booze and Food, continues to enlighten me with his wisdom. Part one here.

Purchase: four bottles of special offer Angel Goblin Ale 
There is a homeless man who buys this. You don't want to drink this. You are a young man. You should drink vodka. Women drink vodka. You can share a bottle with someone beautiful. Ale is for lonely men on park benches.

Purchase: pineapple juice
I watch on the news about how there are too many fat people in this country. My country has landmines and crazy people with guns. You have fat people. What a problem to have.

Restocking the fruit stall out front
I can put out these single apples, tomatoes and potatoes and no one steals them. If they were in bags I guarantee they would all be taken by noon. People love things in bags. You should remember that.

Purchase: herbal tea
There is a cat that is always by the bins. It creates such a mess. My wife said it is the reincarnation of her uncle. I never liked her uncle so I kicked this cat the next time I saw it. Then that very evening my wife asked why I harmed her uncle. How did she know this? Her uncle told her. Now I don't go out to the bins when her uncle is there. He is an unforgiving man.

Purchase: a newspaper and a Twix
A woman was in here the other day. She was complaining about your queen, saying she doesn't do anything. What do you want her to do? Execute people? Trust me, you do not want this.

Purchase: a bag of ice
It's December and my freezers are stocking ice. People buy this ice. You can make ice at home for free. But this is in bag. You see, bags. Bags are the key to commerce.

My 20th Century Fox Die Hard 6 Script Pitch

In May 2014 I wrote a treatment for Die Hard 6 and sent it off to 20th Century Fox. They liked it so I got to pitch the film at their London office.

The concept title was Die Hard 6: A Galactic Way to Die Hard. Basically, the plot escalates to having McClane in space fighting intergalactic Romanian terrorists.

Fox requested I drop the space station laser battle against a Bucharest street fighting squad and swap it for a father-daughter moment. “How about a father-daughter moment during the laser battle?" I asked. They loved it and sent out for a tray of biscuits. Collaboration is important in filmmaking.

Things got tense when they said that MacClane joyriding an asteroid into the terrorist space station was “a bit much”. Because I was wearing a tie and had on that expensive looking cologne my sister got me for Christmas, I was in a confident mood. I slammed my fist on the table, “If that scene goes, I go!” and the room went into an uncomfortable silence - it was an unfortunate moment for the Hobnobs to arrive.

You have to be tough with these executive types, otherwise they’ll turn up on set and demand that MacClane’s spaceship has to resemble a Toyota Yaris for sponsorship reasons.

After a tough thirty minute negotiation I managed to get them to agree I could take the hobnobs home as long as I left immediately and never contacted them again.

Rumour has it that Fox are going to green light a script where McClane takes on the entire continent of Africa. It’s a loose adaption of J. M. Coetzee’s Noble prize winning novel Disgrace.

Below is an extract of the asteroid scene. Leave a comment if you fancy financing the script as it could be easily adapted to be a Taken or a James Bond film. It could even a be used as another Chris Pine action movie vehicle - I'm adaptable.

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342. EXT. SPACE (NIGHT)

John MacClane's spaceship is DRIFTING without power.

343. GABOR'S SPACE STATION

A laser cannon slowly ERECTS from the base of the station. Gabor smiles to himself and pops an olive into his mouth.

GABOR

Let’s see you and your whore of a daughter worm your way out of this, MacClane.

SPACE TROOPER #1

Laser cannon charging. Live in t-minus 90 seconds, commander.

Gabor spits out the olive pip and it floats away. Space Trooper #2 grabs it and puts it into his space-pocket.

Conversations With The Owner of Beer, Booze and Food - Part 1

The man who owns my local convenience store Beer, Booze and Food is either a poet or a man falling into insanity. Here are some of his conversation highlights. Part two here.

Purchase: a single onion
“Sometimes you need just one onion, sometimes two. Maybe three. But there is always too many or too few. And it only ever happens with onions. Onions are like that and no one knows why.”

While staring out the window while the 2001 chip and pin card machine transmitted
“I wish I was a cloud. You wouldn’t know you were one but everyone else would. You’d either end up pissing on everyone, or just disappear into nothing.”

Purchase: milk
“A man once left a bottle of milk behind. I left it out for him for a while, but he didn't come back. After a day I had to throw it away. I sometimes think he will come back and ask why I threw his milk away but he never has.”

Purchase: tequila
“Tequila is very bad. I drank too much one time and convinced myself that if I ate a fish eye I’d see everything the fish had seen in its life. It scared me so I didn’t eat it, but then I decided that would be fantastic so I did. Nothing happened though.”

When I asked him why he only stocks two types of bread but seven types of olive jars
“Olives are better than bread. People on diets can eat olives.”

Purchase: lighter
“There is an English man who buys a lighter every week, sometimes two. I thought I should tell him to just buy a pack of them from the pound shop, but he is a grown man, he should know these things.”

Purchase: bunch of bananas and a daime bar
“You want to buy a watermelon? No? No one does. I don’t know what to do with them. I have a whole crate. That’s crazy. What was I thinking. Watermelons in London.”

Restocking the freezer while wearing protective gloves
“I don’t know why I have these gloves but I do so I thought I’d wear them and now I have hot hands.”

Eric McKing's Diet Blog - Week 16

Week 8 | Week 10 | Week 12 | Week 14 | Week 16

Eric McKing has been on a liquid diet plan for the past 16 weeks. Today he got to vote for a new Simple Slim Shake head councillor at his local centre.

I was sad to see our old councillor go and it was a shame what happened to Jimmy. None of us can say we haven’t tucked into a double kebab and chips from Kebabish at 2am after a Friday night out down the local. Jimmy just had the misfortune of someone snapping him on their camera phone and selling it to the Herald.

I think it was Margret that sold the picture. She’s had a chip on her shoulder over Simple Slim Shake because she’s gained 5 pound since she started two years ago. I thought the ‘chip on her shoulder’ was a good joke and I was going to tell it to Malcolm, but then I remembered Malcolm watches Mrs. Brown’s Boys so I couldn’t trust his sense of humor. Plus when we got drunk and I think he told me he fingered Margret in his Clio the night we had the pub quiz, but I had seven pints of John Smiths that night so I can’t remember.

I was going to ask the wife who she thought I should vote for, but she just muttered something about voting to kill myself with a shotgun as she finished the bottle of gin the postman gave that morning for her birthday.

In the end I voted for Keith because I think Keith likes me. He came round to my house and handed me a flyer that outlined why I should for vote him and he laughed at something I said even though it wasn’t a joke, but it still made me feel good so I laughed at one of his jokes so we bonded. Then he went away and the wife got curry sauce on the flyer so I had to throw it away before I could read it.

Margret is the only one running against Keith and I don’t like her much. She once told me that Pringles aren’t technically crisps so I ate them on my solid food day and when I told the group about it, Margret said she said no such thing and that they are of course crisps. Then Jimmy looked at me with this face, then everyone else looked at me with the same face, and I felt bad. But then Jimmy said it was alright, we all make mistakes, and he patted me on the back then later he treated us both to chips from Kebabish because I promised not to tell anyone.

I gained 3 pounds.

Edwina Holiday The Hardcore Punk - Dairy Entry 4

Dairy Entry: One | Two | Three | Four

16 year old Edwina Holiday has been in a spot of trouble at school for showing the establishment how hardcore she is, again.

Mr. Thornton was teaching us about Nike in Business class so I was like “Whatever, corporate dog, you’re not brain washing me.” But he was all like “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Edwina” then started jabbering on about Cola, so I flipped him off under my desk and Sasha saw it but looked away cos’ she couldn’t handle how hardcore I was.

Then Mr. Thornton told us to do some formulas on Excel, but I ain’t every going to be no sheep working in an office so I loaded up MS Paint and draw a giant erect dick with Anal Stomp tattooed on the shaft, but before I could show Sasha Mr. Thornton came over and yelled at me. He was all like “Edwina! What are you doing? Go to the headmasters office at once!” and I was all like “Whatever crack head” cos’ he’s always got these bloodshot eyes that make him look like a crack head, then he totally lost his shit and his face went bright red so I told him he looked like an angry penis and he threw me out, which was hardcore.

So I had to go see Fat Turd The Third and I knew he was going to suspend me again but I didn’t care cos’ he was just another corporate dog, so I went to the bathroom and tried to copy the drawing of the Anal Stomp dick on my forehead but I forgot mirrors went backwards so I fucked it up a little, but that’s more hardcore as it’s like indirect advertising or whatever Mr. Thornton calls it.

I got to The Turd’s office and that receptionist that looks like she only listens to Magic FM couldn’t handle my head-dick and told me to wipe it off before I saw the headmaster, but I told her to blow me and walked right in, like I was in a movie or something, which was hardcore.

But when I walked in The Turd’s office he took one look at me then just shook his head and called my mum. Then we sat in silence waiting for her to arrive, but she was taking ages and Mr. Hudsmith wouldn’t even look at me when I asked him for a tissue to wipe the dick off. But it wouldn’t come off, so I just brushed my hair over it and waited until my mum finished her shift at Carpet Right, which was hardcore.

Literary Agent Hunt

Point blank rejection

I have again started to look for a literary agent after failing to find one before I self-published Skive in April 2014. It was a campaign of rejection and derision.

Here are a few things that I discovered on my first failed three month hunt, with actual quotes from actual literary agents. I hope you and I learn from these experiences.

‘This doesn’t resonate with our core tween audience’

Tweens apparently don’t care for curmudgeonry men who struggle with their own sanity and reality. I know this now. I have plenty of rejection letters typed with a condescending tone suggesting I was an ignorant moron to write a book not directly aimed at tweens.

I even suggested that I could tweak the current book to be more marketable. I had the working title of 'Skive: The Moon Tree of Fate' where my protagonist with firm but comforting abs fell in love with an owl-lady. They had to stop the school bullies who simultaneously didn't accept their relationship and wanted to destroy the plant of Xentor with a tree that was made out of a moon from a plant that was mysteriously destroyed thousands of years ago. I also thought this was good trilogy material.

Sadly no agent was up for that either.

Lesson Learned: If you're going to write an off-genre novel then expect to be mocked and rejected.

‘This sounds depressing. People don’t like being depressed.’

In my letters, I pitched the book wrong. As soon as I mentioned 'insanity and depression' then that took over the main focus of the rejection replies. I struggled to bring the conversation back round to the 'black comedy' part. I suggested that maybe if they read the first three chapters then they would see.

I brought up that Bukowski is horrid, vile, yet beautiful. That Palahniuk focuses on the strange, the freaks, the damned, but brings a humorous relatability. I pleaded that it's not about the subject matter, but what that matter is actually saying.

But no. The damage was done and many agents didn't even give my attached three chapter preview a read.

Lesson Learned: Be careful what you mention in your covering letter and pitch.

Focus on the unique selling point and fine tune that covering letter so you don't focus on the wrong element.

I thought an agent would pinpoint the marketability for you, but they're too busy. You have to sell it to them. And if you can't, well, then you're with me up shit creek.

‘Are there any magic people in it?’

There are not any magic people in Skive. I didn't think there needed to be. But I was wrong. It was those damn tweens again and I needed to double down on that commodity by adding magic.

I offered to give my protagonist a hat and staff, but that wasn't enough. I offered to adapt the entire story so it took place in medieval England and our hero runs away from a magic tournament where he had to battle a dragon with the skills he learnt from a elderly wizard with a cleft palate. But that wouldn't do either. I even added a volcano that spoke a dead language that only our lead would understand.

It was no good. I was stumped.

Lesson Learned: Genre. It's worth repeating - agents want something that they can sell. You need to assess the market and give the people what they buy.

But  what they want is sometimes dumb and it's okay to think so. Other times you don't have the skill set to give them what they want, and that's okay too.

Just don't expect to get an agent any time soon.

Other Notable Quotes

1. "If you haven't written an erotic thriller or something with wizards or werewolfs in it, you've wasted your time and mine."
2. "Can the protagonist start a steamy sexual relationship with this Christine character? Whips and butt plugs, that sort of thing."
3. "Can it be set in a school? Maybe a school for vampires?"
4. "Nobody would want to have sex with any character in this book."
5. "Contact me when you have something with relatable teenagers in it."